Bachelor Of The Year

Last week I watched the annual cheesy photo-op of Cosmo magazine's 50 hottest bachelors on the Today show. Seeing a sample of men from each of the states provides a nice variety of eye candy. Of course they are really only the hottest of the limited number of people who actually applied, but it still made for a pleasant view. I was never interested in collecting the 50 state quarters, but this is the kind of cross country collection that I could get into. Hurrah for federalism!

Cosmo magazine annually has its readers submit and vote for their favorite bachelors. One bachelor is selected from each state to be eligible to be selected the magazine's bachelor of the year. The 50 men are paraded through New York City with a shirt advertising the magazine and their home state. In exchange for their dignity, the winner is awarded an oversized cardboard check for $10,000.

The Today segment was short, beginning with a pan of the man mob, followed by Ann Curry trying futilely to hold onto her journalistic integrity, and ending with an inexplicable push-up "contest" between Maryland and Illinois. I had to go to the magazine's website to find out more. There I found pictures of all 50 men along with some facts and some personal comments, which were of the low quality variety that you typically find attached to fold-out, pin-up models.

Perusing through the pictures, I quickly realized that the best men came from the midwest Great Lakes and Great Plains states. Comparing region to region, it wasn't even close. Corn-fed beef reigns supreme. It makes me want to eat some corn on the cob instead of using it for its other purpose.

The comments the guys made taught me something about straight men - they are surprisingly needy. Examples:

• Relationship must-have: “I’ll do anything for a girl I love. But I want her to be ­devoted to me too.”
• Dating deal breaker: “When girls talk only about themselves. Make space for me too!”
• Sweet chick move he digs: “When I get ­separated at a party from a woman I’m dating, I love when she comes back to me for a bit to let me know she’s thinking about me.”
• Chick trait he craves: “I hope to meet someone who is a good listener. I can talk a lot, and I want to sense that she’s really listening to what I’m saying.”
• Hint from a hottie: “The typical guy needs to be reassured every once in a while that his girlfriend still has strong feelings for him.”

Other comments involved promoting the stereotype that men are easy to understand and that women are not. From Mr. Ohio (at left): [If he had a superpower:] “I’d want to be able read girls’ minds. Then I’d write a book about it to help out other guys, since we’re all in the dark!”

That straight women buy into this load of crap makes me think a little less of them. The honest response is, "If I can pretend that I don't know what you're talking about because I'm a man, I've got a great excuse for ignoring you and doing whatever the hell I want to."

A third theme running through the comments was the need for the men to get away from their girls. South Carolina: "I like to go to a secluded place in the mountains and spend time relaxing and reflecting.” I know these guys are straight (or at least have to pretend to be in order to win), but isn't this what Ennis Del Mar wanted also?

The winner was Ohio. Best dark horses: Alabama and Utah.